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Fuck the Capitalist commodification of love.
Drop the dating apps & muster up the patience go do things & meet people irl instead.
I don’t think I’ve ever met someone organically and then dated them
They say workplace relationships don’t work and they’re probably right, but the problem is that’s the only place you ever meet anyone these days.
meeting women is really easy if you’re friends with women. they always have single friends who they’d be happy to introduce you to. obviously don’t be friends with women just for this purpose though
It feels Machiavellian to do something like befriending people or playing sports that I would not otherwise do
Fuck capitalism for sure, but the apps can still work. I know happily married couples who met on tinder. Not saying that it’s everyone’s experience, but still. The more avenues people are open to the better sometimes.
We’re a happily married couple who met through OkCupid, back when that was decent!
Honestly, OKC back in its heyday was the place to be. So many of my friends made legitimate, genuine connections there. Devastating that they ended up being sold to match. OKC had plenty of people, but it was apparently the goto for all the nerds. A lot of them use meetup now, but there’s really nothing like what it was for nerd/nerd dating.
Women do not want to be approached in public.
We’re better off regulating dating apps and predatory buisness practices, because people prefer to use apps.
Women as a whole want different things, and often don’t know what they want from moment to moment. In my experience, most women prefer to be approached in public under some circumstances, and what those circumstances are differs wildly from woman to woman.
women ought to have a signal that they are open to being approached, like a PvP flag or something
The thing is, there are signals - open body language, frequent glances around the room, etc.
The tougher bit for some folks is also seeing, and respecting, when they clearly want you to go away, AND not taking it personally. They may want someone to approach them, but for whatever reason not you. That’s perfectly OK, and says nothing about your general worth, just their interest at the moment.
Go, initiate contact, and if you’re getting one word replies, crossed arms/body facing away from you, refusal to meet eyes, inauthentic laughs, etc., exit cheerfully, move on with your day and let her move on with hers.
The biggest problem I’ve had women tell me about is not being approached, but guys not taking the hint if it’s not clicking and leaving them be. Be the guy who reads the situation, takes the hint if present and doesn’t get all fucked up about it, and you’ll probably end up talking to someone who does want to talk to you later.
Should note this is often just human stuff, and holds for a lot of guys as well with the caveat that they’re often, though not always, more direct.
They may want someone to approach them, but for whatever reason not you.
I remember in college being mildly devastated when a friend I had a thing for was talking about how she just wanted to meet someone that (superficially) seemed a lot like me, but then was not into me.
Of course, in retrospect I realized I’d done that to couple women without realizing what was happening.
Reading minds isn’t a “signal”
I’m sorry but if men and women want equality in their relationships then women need to stop this middle-school behavior.
There are reasons subtlety and body language evolved.
Some men don’t take direct “Not interested. Please leave me alone” well. They’ll call you a [slur, slur] and maybe get violent. But fake laughter and dead-ending the conversation has lead to safer outcomes.
So, yeah, it sucks people can’t be direct and honest, but it’s not just coming out of malice.
Also a lot of the time people don’t really know what they want, or want contradictory things.
I understand the excuses people make to not act like mature adults.
I’m sorry if men were rude to you, them acting like children doesn’t give you a pass.
Agreed that the capitalist commodification of love sucks, but also, who even does things IRL anymore? And if you do, success rate isn’t that great either, unless you abide by rules 1 and 2.
I’m no longer single, but when I was, there were two main activities I did outside of work. Gym - a place where it just feels wrong to approach women. And women never approached me. Bar - cozy local small community place where I had plenty of great conversations with a lot of people, many of whom were women, but most were in relationships already. Maybe it’s the same for women as it is for men, where in a relationship you’re more confident and thus have an easier time talking to strangers. Made some friends though.
When I was on Tinder, though, with my fairly mediocre appearance, I’d still get matches. Not every day, but at least a couple a month in even the slower periods and like half of them evolved into at least conversations (not a simple “hey” -> unmatch). Met some IRL. Both times I’ve been on Tinder, I eventually found someone there, though it was over a year in both cases (nearly 3 years second time). And both times the person I found was someone who’d pretty much just joined. I don’t live in what I’d call a big city though.
Nowadays, I also work from home with no office option (unless I rent one for myself), so even shitting where I eat is not an option if I become single. What DO people do in their free time where they meet new people, besides nightlife activities? I’m not interested in drinking 2-3 nights a week anymore lol
Hobbies, classes, sports teams, volunteering
If you want to meet women, take a pottery class, join a softball league, take knitting lessons, join a book club, volunteer at a local animal shelter, go to the library regularly, join a protest, join a running or biking group, or even look around on one of those meetup apps for activities in your area
Maybe your problem was that you only went to your gym and your bar, instead of trying to meet new people? The point is, it’s easy to get stuck into a routine, and swiping on Tinder often becomes part of the routine
Maybe your problem was that you only went to your gym and your bar, instead of trying to meet new people?
I guess I wasn’t super actively trying to meet new people, I was focusing more on my career. Most of those activities unfortunately sound boring to me. Biking group sounds nice. In fact, the only two ways I can do cardio is with a podcast or with other people. Otherwise I go flat out because to my ADHD mind, the end goal of all movement is to get to your destination ASAP. Book club sounds like a great way to get some accountability for my total lack of a reading habit these past few years, so I might look into that as well. There apparently is at least one in my city. As a kid I’d read several books a week, now it’s several years per book :(
This is how you find out your profile’s bad.
I don’t know how applicable this is to this persons specifically, but here’s some general advice from someone who’s been on both sides (I’m trans), and got a high amount of matches either way.
Every woman I’ve spoken to about Tinder agrees :
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Men overwhelmingly have profiles with little to no info in their bio (most often copy-pasted jokes, extremely generic facts like “I like food and music”…)
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And poorly taken and/or cringe photos (posing with their car, half drunk with half a dozen other people, making a weird face, showing off nonexistent gains…)
If you want more matches, you need good pictures (not blurry, not from far away, not backlit) that stand out from the rest (especially, no one cares about your car. An expensive car is a huge douchebag redflag), and a bio that actually says something about your hobbies, world view, etc.
So, in summary, two steps :
- Actually be an interesting person (probably already true, but hard to fix if not)
- Communicate that properly (easier than you think, see above)
It’s been a minute, but it was an automatic “no” when someone would answer “what are 5 things you can’t live without” were stuff like food, water, and air. Yes, I know that. Tell me about yourself!
It was almost always men that answered that way.
I know I’m incredibly dull. I’m average looking. I was a single parent. A decent picture and a little about myself and I did alright though, even with the ladies.
I have bad news: lots of non-men also post useless stuff like “I can’t live without water lol” or “what are you looking for: my keys lmfao”
Having a good profile is a skill, probably related to marketing, and some people have neither natural aptitude nor training in it.
Sure, people of every gender do it. I was, at the time, not filtering by gender. I noticed that the useless answers were usually from men.
It doesn’t mean that men are inherently bad at it (some men had great profiles), but as a whole they presented themselves poorly compared to everyone else.
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I wouldn’t make that conclusion, but it does seem clear that Tinder is a waste of your time.
Tinder is a hellhole intentionally designed to keep people lonely and depressed so they’ll pay up for the “gold” features. The gender split is well past 80/20 male/female so good luck with straight matches, and the number of bots they leave up to waste your swipes is incredibly high, so even that ratio is probably worse.
Few years back I was on 5 dating sites, knocked it out the park on three of them. Got maybe 2 dates from Tinder and 1 from eHarmony (who I married!) Tinder was the first one I dropped, but they somehow fucked me out of an extra month or two.
Hinge worked for me. There was no pressure of “writing the perfect bio” - just pick 3 interesting questions that are insightful into who you are and you’re off to the races.
Isn’t eHarmony a Christian dating site? I’ve heard people get bounced with no matches immediately based on some religious questions.
well, it’s a religious site, so maybe try lying like most people do
Is there a dating site for followers of Baphomet?
Besides lemmy.
In 2014 I tried an experiment. I let my profile run for two months. First couple of weeks I used a standard headshot type picture. Nothing. Then I switched to a picture of me playing the guitar. A couple of hits. Finally I switched to a picture of me wearing headphones and fiddling with my old sequencer. Tons of hits.
If you can’t hit them with good looks (I’m not handsome) then at least use an interesting photo that tells a story and showcases an unusual or unique thing about you in a positive light.
Bingo! Can’t remember the pics I used, but I went for several different looks so women would know what they were getting into, not just my very best. That comes across honest, because it is.
Aimed for pics of me doing interesting and active things like kayaking and cooking and such. No dead animals, hot rods, motorcycles, bros, etc. No stereotypical manly bullshit.
Also, inject some humor. Like an old friend told me about sales, “If they’re laughing, they’re buying.” On one post I ended with, “And as god as my witness, I hate NASCAR.” Ended up married to a huge NASCAR fan.
Pro tip for the guys: Setup an account as a woman looking for a man. Take an afternoon and dig around. See what the other guys are doing? Do not do that shit.
My wife still remembers one of the profile pics I had - I was goofing around wearing a super-sized cereal box on my head.
Had that one, a “normal” shot that was my profile picture, and some casual shot I don’t remember now. Put that one up on my sister’s advice, and that’s the one that still stands out in my wife’s mind!
I swear humans use confidence and humor the same way peacocks use tails. If you’re comfortable being silly, it says a lot about where you’re at socially.
There’s an adorable phone game called “Tender” where you go on dates with various aliens via a Tinder-like app. That game did a good job showcasing different styles of profile and profile pic–highly recommend. Also, fun.
I don’t recommend really setting up a fake profile, since that kind of selfishly pees in the pool.
Talk to your women friends. Ask them to show you what they’re seeing and what they dislike.
(If you don’t have any women friends, that’s kind of a red flag you should give some thinking on)
Along those lines, ask dates what they’ve experienced. You’ll get some wild conversation starters!
And BTW, I cancelled the one account I made to experiment with.
He must be doing something drastically wrong for not even the ThotBots to be matching with him.
You assume people are actually getting to see your profile. There are no stats of that available though.
I don’t know how good their algorithm is nowadays, but generally Tinder will show you profiles they think you’d want to match with, but ideally not get in a lasting relationship with. They want you to keep using the platform, not find true love.
If you get swiped left enough, Tinder won’t really show you to most people. That part of their algorithm definitely works, it’s easy. I’m not sure if they’ve yet found a way to quantify risk of lasting relationship.
My last experience (late 2022) is that if you’re a free user, they will never show your profile to someone you’ve swiped right for, nor show you any profile that has liked you, in order to force you to buy the premium and get to see who liked you
My last experience ended in mid 2023, but I definitely did not have that experience.
Occasionally I wouldn’t see the people that had swiped right on me, but usually I did. Free user.
The whole blurred “upgrade to see who liked you” thing was funny because once you ran into that profile, you’d immediately recognize the blur.
Back then, I did personally experiment and simply started swiping left to every profile. After 300 “nopes” (I counted), I didn’t miss a single match, despite the little ticker showing “49+” profiles that have liked me
I know Tinder has lots of ways to detect if you’re a returning user, which could’ve been one of the reasons for me being so “unlucky”
Back when we were a real civilization, we didn’t try to find matches by looking at someone’s photograph, we would have considered that creepy and stupid.
Why are so many people doing an act that is objectively creepy, stupid and most users hate the entire experience? I haven’t met a single fucking person who enjoys tinder or online matchmaking in general. None. Not men, not women.
GO THE FUCK OUTSIDE. (edit: and talk to people. I can’t believe I have to add this detail, you cannot just literally walk around outdoors and expect something to happen, I’m just saying get off the internet, stop fucking scrolling and reading other people’s thoughts, it’s not helping you, strike up conversations and learn to get over yourself. You’re alone because your head is rammed so far up your own ass you can’t breath. DO NOT GO HIT ON RANDOM PEOPLE YOU DUMB FUCKS, SERIOUSLY “GO OUTSIDE” IS A METAPHOR FOR GETTING A REAL LIFE OFF THE INTERNET.)
This is distorting all your perceptions of what “attractive” even means. Last schlub I saw whining about this was just a normal-ass dude like my neighbor who has a wife and kids. All this talk about “attractiveness” makes no consideration for how humans actually feel about each other when they get to know each other.
“But it’s not that simple! The rest of the world is changed! You can’t just go talk to people! This is a oversimplification of a complex problem! REEEE!”
Bull. Shit. You tried like once or twice and people didn’t warm up to you and you felt ashamed. Or some dumb teenager broke your heart. That experience was supposed to teach you to try a different way, not teach you to give up. Shame is useless, it’s often a sign of having your head too far up your own ass. There are billions of people on Earth living the way we’ve lived for literal centuries. If you met some people you don’t match with, try several more. Even if you meet a million people, you’re still meeting 0.0125% percent of the population. Seriously, make EFFORT.
You are not a victim in this. Shed that automatic reflex to lash out at anyone who makes you feel accountability and you just might make it.
I agreed with this until I started doing lots of “go outside” stuff and realized there was a bit of nuance. Decided pretty quickly that I’d keep the dating separate from sports/activities because I really enjoy them and things get weird if you treat it like a dating pool. Now I somehow have to work up the courage to talk to someone without a contrived activity bringing us together.
Why are so many people doing an act that is objectively creepy, stupid and most users hate the entire experience?
The death of third places.
When exactly was that “real civilization”? When people were being arranged into marriages? Or when people would put ads into newspapers to find love? Or when dating shows started on TV? The next step after TV was pretty much Tinder. We have never been above using “creepy and stupid” options.
I don’t get the hate dating apps get. It’s a tool like every other, it helps you meet people outside of your regular circle. It’s not ideal because it’s next to impossible to everything you are into a short profile but it’s better than the solutions we came up before. The issue is that people don’t know how to use Tinder. Most people have no idea what their profile should look like, they put too much importance on any kind of a match and then they try too hard to get anywhere. Tinder match is the real world equivalent of locking your eyes someone on the street or a bar or a cafe or whatever. Just because that happened doesn’t mean anything more will happen. You don’t run after everyone who looks at you begging them to date you. So why do that on Tinder?
Yes, literally those are our only options here, dark-ages arranged slavery or “The Love Connection” or dating apps everyone (but you!) hate with a passion. That’s really spot-on. Perfect, exactly the smart, nuanced responses I’m always delighted to have to interact with.
The “people don’t know how to use Tinder” is fine, great, fucking whatever. In the end all you’re doing is trying to replicate the way people have been meeting and getting to know each other for eons. If it works for you, FINE GO USE IT. I’m obviously not talking to the minority who enjoy the effort of trying to replicate natural human behavior on a glowing screen.
I’m very obviously talking to the people it doesn’t work for or who have the same problems online as they do in real life. The huge fucking difference here is with dating apps, when you’re done swiping that’s it, you don’t learn anything, you don’t figure out how to be a better conversation partner, you don’t self-reflect in any healthy way and that’s how most people use it. It’s gestures into the darkness.
I’m sorry. I forgot I’m talking to a big alpha male who can only express themselves in an aggressive tone. My bad. And I’m sure your advice of “Just get over yourself and get out there you fucking pussy” is unbelievably useful to all those people who struggle to date. They definitely couldn’t have come up with that on their own. And of course fuck online dating because big stonk alpha no likey thing they no understand.
Buy a Delorean, find doc Brown and flux capacitor yourself back to the 80s where you belong.
I’m sorry I intimidated you with my text on a screen and made you think I’m big and scary because I used harsh language.
And sorry, to those struggling with socializing, there’s no shortcut. If you are that bad off, go get therapy, it works wonders. Otherwise, we all struggled at some point before we started learning it’s okay to be yourself even if it causes you to intimidate people on the internet.
Reminder: the internet didn’t always exist, people got along just fine. People have always struggled with socializing and then forcing themselves to get through their obstacles. The modern internet age disincentivizes you from going out and being a more social person who keeps learning. There are millions of kids out there giving up on life because they embarrassed themselves ONE time with someone, then got all kinds of support from other shut-ins. Many people do this on some level and that’s what we should be pushing against, even if it hurts some people’s feelings.
You being unnecessarily aggressive does not intimidate me. I simply didn’t appreciate the tone because when you act that way all you’re showing is that you can’t have a civil discussion.
And I agree that there are no shortcuts to socializing. But this “go out there and date” advice isn’t going to help anyone. It’s like telling someone living their car “just build a house”. It does nothing in regards to helping them figure out how to do that.
And I’m not sure what you’re even complaining about regarding dating apps. The date isn’t happening in the app. In the end they still have to go out there and date, the dating app simply helps them get to that step. The dating app replaces only the “asking someone out” step, not the actual date itself. It takes a small step out of the whole dating process and you’re acting like that’s the entire problem. At the end of the day it doesn’t really matter if you physically asked someone out or if you matched on Tinder and asked them out, because when it comes to the actual date you still have to put yourself out there. Unless the online dating has warped into something completely different within the last 10 years they still need to learn how to have a conversation, how to pick up cues and find the confidence to make a move. The only thing online dating changes is that people don’t need to take a rejection straight to their face and get embarrassed into never trying again.
I’ve gotten plenty of matches; but that’s as far as I’ve ever gotten with Tinder. Nobody has ever messaged me or replied to my messages once we match. :/
I’ve not used tinder, but I’ve heard good results from people consulting the tinder sub for help with their profile. Also, your first message is pretty important. I’m probably not telling you anything new, but “hey” is only going to get you a response if you’re a Hemsworth brother.
Ask a question that indicates you actually read their profile, and not just, “So you like walking on the beach, huh?”
Instead, “What beaches are you hitting? Ever been to Gulf Island National Seashore in Gulf Breeze? There are also a few miles of trails on the other side of the highway!”
