Paying someone a simple, spur of the moment compliment, when they seem pretty happy already—and then realizing from the expression on the recipient’s face that it really meant a whole lot more to them than you thought it would.

And to hear those children laughing, and a bunch of other stuff to cheer you up: https://www.peptoc.net/hotline. (Free “warm line” with pre-recorded messages—from kids!)

First—wow. You’re living an incredibly full life. You’re meeting the situation you’re in by working two jobs; looking toward the future with the university degree. You have an admirably balanced portfolio of purposeful avocational activities to meet spiritual, physical and social needs. You’ve thought out and researched how mind and body work.

But I find myself wondering: “But when do you dream?” I’m not referring to sleep-dreaming. Rather, I’m thinking of something more like meditation—where the mind is either not engaged in purposeful activitiy, or is engaged in activity that is so rote, so engrained as automatic, that the subconscious is free to make its own associations that (for lack of a better descriptor) allow it to connect the dots from what seem to be disparate experiences.

I’m a (retired) academic. You mention you’re progressing further in university studies. You don’t describe it as onerous in terms of literal time commitments: absorbing material, completing tasks that assess subject mastery.

My experience has been that intensive intellectual processing seems to drain some sort of subconscious reservoir, which then demands to be replenished. If I do not give this process its due, eventually I become a gibbering idiot; for lack of a better term, I think of it as “brain-lock.” If I try to push through, I make stupid mistakes. Like the day I woke up, cleaned my contact lenses like I had done for some 20 years, and tried to pop them in my eyes using the soap solution instead of the wetting solution. I burned my eyes so badly I had to take the day off. (No long-term harm—just serious ouch.)

Another consideration: You don’t say how old you are; some details you mention suggest you’re beyond early 20s. Specifics aren’t particularly important. I’m old enough to be retired. So here’s the point: as we age, the balance of body-mind-spirit components we need will change. I find that I need more “free-range” mental/emotional time to recover from stressful situations. Perhaps that is also so for you.

I don’t know what components you may want or need to shift in your schedule. But since you’ve asked what’s going on, I’ve offered my best guess on what you might need to assemble your own answer.

Yes. This is the basic driving style on the Katy. No rules, no lanes. Just wide open spaces, bumper to bumper at a minimum of 75 mph. On a good day.

Walk? In Houston? Nope.

Woo-hoo! And just to note, you’ve gotta click the three-bars (hamburger) menu doo-hickey, bottom left corner, either mobile or desktop, to get to the resources. Resources open in a navigation menu on the left. (The phrase “Trans-Resources.Info” appears to be a link, but just takes you back to the home page. Had me puzzled at first. Weird web design, great resources.)

Yes; Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) has much in common with mindfulness meditation. My partner was in a CBT program a few years ago, and a number of the “take home and read for homework” handouts were from Buddhist sources.

For those who don’t find instructions on meditation very helpful, perhaps a CBT workbook might offer the same strategies, phrased in different ways.

“Cis lesbian” here. I guess. It sounds weird to say, even though “cis” has been around for some 20 years. I came out 40+ years ago. It wasn’t a thing when I came out, let alone trans, enbie, etc.

I get SO mad when I hear about any people hating on anyone for their sexuality or gender identity. Have we learned nothing from closets, AIDs, the Stonewall Rebellion, conversion therapy, witch hunts, mass shootings? WE were the Martians, the aliens, to be exterminated or at best hidden 40 years ago. I hear that feeling loud and clear, and I do not forget. Apparently, the haters have repressed our history.

I love you. Just as you are. And I will be first in line to point out the utter hypocrisy of any group with a history like ours that so much as raises an eyebrow at you.

None of us is free unless all of us are free. Anyone who says otherwise is deluded into thinking that they are safe, now that the line has shifted and “gay” is tolerated, if not completely accepted. We all need each other. Now, more than ever.

Hold your head up, brother. I got your back.

For all of us with ADHD, autism spectrum, or just plain Foot-In-Mouth-ism: been there, done that, second-guessing making this post even as I write it. Enjoy this comic: https://www.smbc-comics.com/comic/cues

Good point about “cheating”! I imagine there are some places where standing up (rather than tub-bath, or sitting down for a thorough scrub) is considered the cheat-form!

Saw your previous post in this community… I hear you. I’ve been learning and practicing (by no means yet mastering) being gentle with myself, setting small goals and appreciating small achievements. Like, if you can’t get up and run around the block, can you get up, take a shower, get dressed… and then go back to bed? Sometimes doing that one step today can allow you to do the next thing, tomorrow.

Mod here. Please flair as NSFW. See pinned post from VubDapple.

We’ve got a few pinned posts with a wide variety of resources; please check these to see if any look promising. More importantly: use them. Call 988, or a warm-line. You’ve already taken the first step by posting here. Keep going.

I fully agree the two avenues you’ve reached out to so far can be useless. Formal, one-on-one treatment lags massively beyond need–every news outlet runs stories, citing politicians who allocated big bucks to resources… which take years to get anything accomplished, and likely get bogged in red tape, slush-fund budgeting so you and I get nothing.

People around you often play comparative games: “ooh, let me tell you about MY issues; blah, blah blah; you see? they’re worse than yours, so just suck it up.”

However, I disagree that there’s nothing special about you, or that you’re taking resources someone else might need more. You matter, more than you know. You deserve, as much as anyone, love and help.

There are some good responses already… far less than 5 months.

Two additional strategies. (1) Meditate. If you’re not sure how, let me know; I can suggest some good free starting points. It may seem stupid, irrelevant at first. But I’ve found it’s a remarkable way for me to know what I’m feeling. If I can sit with the feeling long enough, sometimes I can figure out why I’m feeling that way.

(2) Reach out, spread good. It doesn’t have to be dramatic, like “helping someone in more need than you are.” Sometimes, it’s letting someone trying to make a left turn into traffic the space to make that turn. Giving a compliment to a random stranger.

I struggle with depression too. I’ve earned it–my partner with Alzheimer’s is in a nursing home I call “Roach Motel” it’s so badly run. (No, this is not “my problems are worse than yours.”) I visit daily. I brush her hair, hold her hand, holler for aides when they ignore the call bell–I make a difference in her life. I like some of the aides, and I think others are pure a**holes. But I bring in inexpensive snacks, give compliments when I can, and treat people with a crappy job with as much respect and kindness as I can muster. Some days, I REALLY don’t want to visit… but I make myself. And always, when I leave, the depression has lifted a little.

Been through grad school, 1980s. Survived. Tenured. Emeritus. Retired. I’m sure it’s only gotten worse. The whole thing is set up to weed out… basically a whole bunch of people, because higher ed is not providing enough jobs for people with PhDs. (Yes, I know there are advanced degrees that don’t lead to an academic job.) And it’s set up to provide a slave labor force of teachers for undergrad classes. A lot of fine people end up bag ladies, or moving off to organic lesbian goat farms (two examples from my peer group).

And it’s functionally a stress test, to find the cracks, before grad students get out in the real world and face the insane demands of a life of itinerant adjuncting, the horrors of seeking tenure, or the other professional jobs that require higher degrees. If they crack after graduating, they can take a lot of other people down with them. (Seen that happen, too.)

That doesn’t excuse any of it, not by a long shot. A whole bunch of stuff in this world needs to be reformed. But: it does offer a chance to see that it’s only a game—and if the game is something that makes you miserable, you need to find a different game. A game where you can find ways to be kind, and not perpetuate the misery.

I’m so glad you’re checking back in with an update! And it’s good news you have found a psychiatrist willing to take the time to work with you. And that you have a handle on what’s “off,” and a starting point to getting you back on track.

SSRIs, as you know, suppress the re-uptake (grab that molecule & recycle its components) of seratonin, the happy-feel molecule. SNRIs suppress the re-uptake of seratonin, and norepinephrine as well, essentially adreneline (the “I can face the day with confidence” molecule, which in larger amounts becomes “I wanna bite your head off” molecule.) In other words, it will probably feel different than a straight SSRI—I hope in ways that address the discomfort you had previously.

I’m not familiar with the other Rx you mentioned; but again, it sounds like your doc is starting with small doses. Always a plus to start out conservatively and see how they affect you.

I’m happy for you!

I’m so sorry. See you’ve found “Chronic Pain” community, which I was going to suggest. If you haven’t thought of it and are up for the suggestion, I know there are online searchable resources for “meditation pain management.”

Sending you strength and love.

Thank you so much. I get strength from the kind words of people like you, and from offering what I can for others. Hugs and well-wishes to you.

Well–you’re clearly very resourceful! You’ve got the kitten thing managed as best you can. You’re asking the same questions, of the same IRL people, that a bunch of randos have come up with… so crowd-sourcing and getting same answers suggests you’re doing everything right.

You have NOT let everyone down, and you’ve got no reason to apologize. Let me tell you a little about my partner’s situation. Supposedly “mental health” issues for ~ten years. Nothing worked–drugs, talk therapy, encouragement, whole raft of diagnoses. Lots of people accused her of faking, including (I’m sad to say) me. Never really pushed it; raised an occasional eyebrow, did my best to be supportive…

Finally, turns out she has Alzheimer’s. Rather atypically early (I think starting around 55 years old). But yeah, as real as the MRI that officially diagnosed it. She had so much anxiety and flaky behavior around “something’s OFF in my head.”

I sincerely hope that all works out well for you, and that you are able to find/create situations that are supportive and allow you joy. My partner too was suicidal. I can’t say she’s exactly ecstatic now–she’s in a nursing home (complications). But: I visit every day, get her to smile, and she knows I love her dearly and will not give up on her. There is still joy in our lives.

I don’t have all the answers, but want to say I am so sorry for what your going through.

On the kitten: you’re right, I think— the kitten needs more social interaction. Any piece of string, perhaps with a bit of cloth tied to the end, can be dangled while you are sitting on the couch. You might consider a mani-pedi, nipping the sharp tips of those claws, to keep damage under control. Ex might reasinably be asked to invest in a few toys, including chew toys. You might search for “Jackson Galaxy” on YouTube for helpful videos.

It shouldn’t be your responsibility, but it sounds like you’ve tried getting Ex to take responsibility. Sadly, like the kitten’s tenancy seems tied to your own. That sounds like manipulation.

Your physical health and long-term possibilities are, of course, adding to your stress. It sounds very overwhelming right now, with so many changes in your life. Would Ex consider paying for housekeeping help—at least to get the pizza boxes and dirty dishes sorted out? I don’t know about your country’s system for people with disabilities, but perhaps your social worker can help you figure out if any assistance in this area is available to you.

Thank you for the trigger warning about your desperation. As you know, I’m just an internet rando. I can’t offer you all the helo you need, although I can assure you I care deeply. In the pinned resources at the top of this community’s posts, there are some European resources if you haven’t already seen them. Perhaps your social worker can add to them (and if you’d be willing to share anything you find useful, you can DM me so I can have them added to the list).

Please stay alive. So many things have changed so rapidly in your life recently. That’s bound to feel like too much. Give yourself the time and grace for change.

From my grandmother: “Essen! Essen!” (Eat! Eat!) Followed quickly by “You need to lose weight! You’re getting fat!”

There’s a saying in the caregiving community, those of us keeping loved ones with dementia and various disabilities afloat, alive and (hopefully) thriving.

Don’t set yourself on fire to keep your loved one warm.

Meaning, if you don’t take care of yourself, you cannot help others. You could set yourself on fire, but the flames go out quickly, and then you’re a crispy, crunchy mess—and both of you are far worse off than when you started.

Put your own oxygen mask on first, before trying to help others.

And… sometimes that means saying “no.” Which is hard, but necessary.

I haven’t gone through such an intake myself, but have watched loved ones’ evaluations. One thing I suspect will happen is you’ll be given questionnaires asking about whether you do/think certain things “always,” “sometimes,” “rarely,” “never.” (Or similar language.)

You might also list what you have been experiencing, and why you think the issues have increased in severity. Use this as a prompt for yourself when you are being evaluated and asked, in essence, “what brings you here?”

Obviously, this is not a time to either overstate what’s going on, or to hold back on what you’re feeling is “off.” A good psychiatrist and mental health team will assuredly have the tools to get beyond the “normal” façade that makes it easier to function, but leaves you aware that it’s something of a sham.

Best wishes to you.