Thank you, that strangely does provide a small comfort in the knowledge of how I was being assessed and to the level of how I was given support.

It answers the question of the styles used to attempt to help and the restriction they were probably under to provide such help while also providing some reasoning toward my frustration as I was looking for a “higher end product” in a “convienence store”

Thank you, I know it isn’t easy but I am discussing with a friend around working out a possibility of working something out towards making what you wrote a reality. I don’t know if it will work but at least it is an attempt at trying to do something. If nothing else it is better than doing nothing.

Update: The friend in question was the one that pulled away and they contacted me again as they offered to pay for therapy but I was hestitant before because of the cost( I was being negative and they were present during my episode) but from the advice i received, I discussed with them and they agreed to help with initial sessions and, if the generic medication isn’t too expensive that as well, hopefully that can help me transition into being able to contribute and eventually pay for my own therapy and medication.

It has only just been discussed so the actual process still needs to start. So I guess the advice helped me suck up my pride or something to that effect and take and few steps towards a solution and accept the offer they put forth before

Realized while writing that it is spurring me into a textual diaherrhia so please note wall of text ahead, which probably veers off into a rant.

If I had to surmmarise into tldr:

The system™ feels exploitative, and unless you partake in the exploiting then one must feel like their value systems are useless because it is not bringing in value.

Also rant about personal country government that seem to be failing upwards

End tldr

I read what was written and somehow felt a need to express, so apologies upfront.

I am not an American, but I have lived a life trying to do what I thought is the right or correct thing. It has left me with more regret and resentment. And as an observer I think it is more a societal problem.

I mean doing whatever the fuck you want and not only getting away with it but be rewarded seems to be in the loop of positive feedback. Like why suffer and do the right thing when you can take advantage of another and get rewarded.

The whole corporate monopoly-type culture isn’t only an American problem, just have to look at the world where a narrative or agenda causes so much suffering.

Lets just take my country for example. South African, we have been sitting with a electricity issue for going on almost 20 years because there is only 1 power supplier and that is government mandated monopoly. The power issue concerns were addressed to government before it was an issue and they figuritively sat and twiddled their thumbs until it got to a point where they needed to stick their thumbs just a bit out their asses.

Added to that, we had an ex-president that is mired is so much scandal to the point where one( of many) of his great " achievements " is participating in state capture by selling sub-substandard/ ghost electrical supply contracts to special interest individuals for personal gain.

And to this day is playing the lawyer-long game to avoid any consequence add to that you get politicians saying we should leave him alone he is an old man.

So in essence it feels like a big : fuck the country, i got my own, you people deal with the shit I profitted off, not my problem.

And although I cannot equate to the struggles of minorities, I can relate a bit as I live with the a country that enforces quotas and it is shit feeling knowing no matter how hard you work or how well you do you cannot advance when a company is pushing government agenda in a bid to say " Look we are doing the thing, we are empowering"

I mean things had to be done with the history of our country, I wish it could have been done with a broader and more encompassing economical structure to ensure that the majority could actually be empowered and be able to uplift the country to allow it to flourish to allow it to open opportunities for all. But unfortunately the current economic system and structure has it sitting in a country with 32 % unemployment.

I mean maybe the goverment is trying, but they have piss poor accountability as there is constant news of corruption, mafia-like intimidation, mismanagement, incompetence, never-ending joke of broken promises and lately seems a constant rise in prices - which seems to be a world problem too. I am honestly surprised the country holds itself together, I suppose that is because of the taxman is a functioning government entity that collects its due and guess there is enough competent people trying to keep the boat afloat in the background

It is like if you don’t know someone or have some influence you are stuck to the whims of the system and I personally feel there is an attitude that those above will personally do as little as possible and rely on those below to pick up the slack. I don’t want to harp about ‘oh woe is me’ just feel that almost everywhere there are problems and unfortunately the structure of power demands that those in power must exert power or coerce others to maintain it.

This is probably coming from someone who has been broken by a system coming in with naivete, so please take it as such, I am relatively fortunate to have what I have because of help of family so I cannot be a total victim to the system. But I still feel disillusioned by it and human nature because it is exploitative by design and I am too pigheaded to want to become a unfeeling husk and give into that base nature completely.