I’ve given this some thought, because I do seem to get satisfaction out of completing tasks, but no motivation to start them in order to get the finishing satisfaction. Or giving up half way through a task when I’ve lost interest. On the other hand, avoidance leads to adrenaline, and that gets me moving. I think that’s where the neuro compensation lies. Not the lack of satisfaction that the task is complete (although mostly I just feel relief not satisfaction), it’s the adrenaline replacing the dopamine.

It’s a mixed bag. 50% of the time he completely invalidates my feelings, but the other half is actually very understanding and progressive. He has been quick to apologize and make amends when he genuinely understands if the behaviour is off-side but that understanding seems to be at war with his deep desire to protect his ego at all costs, so he battles hard to defend himself even when he’s blatantly wrong. I am the opposite and will consider all sides and always more likely to accept culpability and apologize and make changes so it doesn’t happen again.

Things getting turned around on me ? Constantly. Like I have to actually keep a notebook all day long about everything I do and say, just so that he can’t twist it around on me later if a situation like this comes up. He’s very good at misdirection - I don’t even think he does it consciously, he just has a natural talent for twisting things and disagreeing and picking apart small minutia until I’ve totally lost track of what we are discussing. His dad is like that too - not a smart man, but don’t ever ever fucking play chess or poker with him because he’s a survivor and he will fuck your shit up.

He becomes extremely manipulative and gas-lightey without even realizing he is doing it. Or maybe he does. I’ve tried discussing that with him too, but this is one of the topics he has firmly decided he does not do (except he does) and so he has nothing to change or apologize for

Which is why I’m here for productive ways to discuss this one isolated topic with him. If I can’t stay on point and get through the discussion quickly and efficiently, it will get twisted into a horrible 5 hour nightmare of guilt and confusion.

I’m really quite upset by some posters saying that I’m practically abusing my husband and setting him up to fail. I’m just exhausted and need him to step up, I’m not abusing him.

Oh shit yeah. It’s worse than highschool.

This isn’t a case of preference. This is really one thing in a long line of things. Unfortunately our relationship is a very uneven one where I am responsible for most of the running of the house, as well as the income, and all other tasks. What I’m asking is for some minor changes that make my workload easier to bear.

Having them put away in the morning isn’t an option either. He chooses to sleep until 10-11 daily, then games until he goes to work around 4. He gets home around 8 and then games until 2-3am.

So as you can see, that leaves very little time for him to chip in with chores.

I actually resist nagging. I hate it myself - his mother is a turbo-nag so he actually has a hard time understanding something is important unless he’s being nagged to death. It’s unhealthy and I avoid participating in that type of negative motivation.

Unfortunately it also means that since I don’t force him, he just doesn’t do it, which then falls back on me. And generally with a side of manipulation about how I’m the bad guy to encourage me to not engage next time either.

Did you read the rest or did you stop there ? The lady repeatedly trespassed, was warned by the police she was trespassing and reduced healthy 15ft trees to 5 feet tall by repeatedly cutting them with a chainsaw.

Imagine you’re renting a place and your psycho neighbour keeps hacking your trees with a chainsaw.

Company owned or individually owned, that has nothing to do with it.

I have an executive function disorder. I manage. I do not abuse him and I resent the accusation. You’re clearly a child or projecting your own shit onto my marriage but you’re way off base.

One is malicious in intent and one is expecting another adult to just be a fucking adult. This is a child’s opinion.

That’s what I’m here for. Feedback on how to explain it a different way. Things get very twisty when we talk about things he is defensive about, so helping have itemized thoughts keeps me focused.

You must be joking. 15 years of a non-equal partnership and I’m the problem ? I’m not setting him up for failure. I’m expecting him to be an equal and contributing member of our partnership. Good luck with your future relationships if you think expecting someone to wash four pots as their only chore on a given day is a problem.

This is fucking horrific. Imagine being trapped in Antarctica being hunted by perverts. That’s a horror movie.

Yep, this one is definitely an unpopular opinion. And weird. What a strange thing to find disgusting. That being said, I prefer clear polish myself and it’s massive battle at the salon because they just can’t grasp that I don’t want or need airbrushing or little jewels or anything. Nope, just make my hands look nice and clean.

I also find this annoying but that’s because I more easily grasp written instructions than I do a video tutorial. It’s the way my brain is wired. Just give me the bloody instructions. Others need the video. I hate them. But since the internet is like, a resource for everyone, not just me, I try not to take it so personally.

This is blowing my mind right now and the exact insight I was looking for. He wants me to feel bad because he feels bad. Holy shit.

Oh I’m familiar with the term, since I do all of it. Yes, if he does agree to do a chore and then doesn’t do it, often he tells me it’s because I didn’t remind him enough as well. He is even makes me have to do emotional Labour for my emotional labour.

Dude, seriously, he needed to wash two salad bowls and two frying pans. This is not a case of unreachable goals or unrealistic expectations.

I think there is a small bit of this. At one time I asked to switch our “jobs” because the “blue jobs” were basically cutting the lawn and taking out the trash once a week from the garage (he will rarely take the garbage out of the house unless it’s overflowing and he will never empty bathroom garbages). He freaked out and said it would emasculate him to take his man-jobs away.

I spend 30 hours a week on my chores on top of my jobs. He spends less than an hour and usually has to be nagged to do that.

It’s absolutely not like that at all. I said it ONCE, not repeatedly and it was recently. As in a very tired, exhausted “I love you but I hate being married to you” because I’m just so so so tired. I have been understanding, angry, goal oriented, blasé, I’ve been every way. All I want is for us to be partners and value each other and contribute toward our future together. I don’t have that.

If I kept screwing up for fifteen years, I’d figure out it’s easier to do the dishes than to feel like a shitty failure.

You’re right, he’s panicking and he’s feeling bad about his failures- so I’m just supposed to accept it so he can continue the same toxic behaviour? It’s not my responsibility to make sure he feels like his best every day. That’s up to him.

If he’s failing, it’s because he’s choosing to not make the effort, not because I sabotaged him.

Yes. I was diagnosed over 10 years ago. I do cbt, I take the meds, I make sure I sleep, eat, get enough water, do the doctor follow ups. I do it all to make sure my adhd is under control as much as it can be. I also have two jobs and do most of the housework. He plays on his ps5 and makes no changes. I am becoming resentful, overworked and tired of being broke because we also pay approximately 90:10 toward the household costs because he won’t do any job that he doesn’t love. So he teaches music part time in the evenings. I have ptsd from years of employment abuse and I have to work two jobs (one of which is still in that field) so I have something called hyper vigilance now which is doing damage to my heart.

At what point do I get to just be fucking mad ? I’ve been understanding on every level. But I can’t live like this so that he doesn’t have to be the slightest bit inconvenienced.

Sometimes I wish I could. Last week I told him I love him but I hate being married to him. He sulked for a day and got over it. I’m not over it.

I have even shared it with him. I doubt he read it. He doesn’t read.