I wish she’d see me as more than a friend, but tonight I realized that that will never happen. We had a wonderful time together. We laughed and cried. She showed me the texts between her and this new guy she likes. I need to be happy for her, but who’s happy for me? Who’s there for me? I want so badly for it to be her, but it never will be. I will have to continue down this path alone. Things are better off without me.

I found a place to hide at work last night (it was very slow) and cried it out for a little while. It helped. I still feel like shit, but the intrusive thoughts are a lot quieter right now. I just want to be happy, but I don’t see it happening. I was able to put the mask back on, so I’m not drawing the attention of those around me. Just keep faking it.

Thank you for the clarity. No one understands the struggle…but you seem to. If I’m not careful, I will confess to my best friend. But looking at it logically, there is not a single timeline in which this doesn’t end with the end of our multi-year relationship. There are times in which I truly believe the world would be better without me. Maybe this is one of those times. I’m definitely legally drunk, and will sleep and have nightmares of what could be. I wish I could sleep and never wake up.

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I can’t tell her.

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That’s really nice to hear, but I’m tired of waiting to find someone that cares for me as more than just a friend. I recognize that I likely will never find that.

If I could push a button and never existed for anyone, I’m afraid I would push it.

Cute dog! Unfortunately, I would not be able to provide the care and love a pet would deserve, due to my work schedule. It wouldn’t be fair.

ETA: I limit my drinking to maybe once per week. I could lose my job if I test positive for nicotine, let alone weed. It’s sad to say I am happy only when I’ve railed enough coke to numb everything else. I won’t go back to coke though. I think it would kill me, like honestly, it would actually cause my heart to burst.

I wait, in vain, for things to get better. Based upon all available data (in my head), things do not get better. I stopped lying to myself a while ago. If not for my son, I would have left this world years ago.

Fucking facts. I cling to those dopamine hits, but my tolerance is so high that even those moments don’t scratch the itch anymore.

I want someone to marry me again someday. I want someone to stand in front of my friends and family and profess their love and devotion.

I gave up on that dream a couple of years ago.

Thank you for your kind words. I really don’t think I’ll ever tell her. I already think that I’m not worthy of love, so why would I be worthy of her’s?

Indefensible. I wish the cruelest fate to befall him.

My provider switched my mood stabilizer a month or so ago, and it seems like I’m finally getting my moods under control. I’ve cleaned, cooked and started taking care of myself again. I was in a bit of a dark place for a few months, and it seems like I’ve emerged. I’m hopeful for once. Now I just need to lose the 10lbs that I put on during that time. CICO does work.

Edit: Scratch all of that hopeful bullshit. My mood swung so wildly in the other direction today. If I say any more it would be an invitation to my pathetic pity party.

From the…comments?

WELL, IF ALIENS FROM SPACE, THEY WONT FIND ANY INTELLIGENT LIFE THERE.

Gold Jerry—gold!

Thank you so much for such a thoughtful response!

Maybe the best course of action here would be just to let her come to you if it’s meant to be.

I think you are right. I would never want to jeopardize our friendship by confessing to her. She is her own person, and maybe one day she will surprise me in the best way, but I’m not counting on it.

In the end, our current relationship, as best friends, means so much to me that I could not bear losing her.

The responses have helped confirm to me that keeping this to myself is the best course of action.

Even though this does hurt, I’d rather feel this way than wish I did not irrevocably change our friendship.

Well, you are afraid of losing her. You know why a friendship ends so often after someone confesses their love? Usually it’s because the friendship wasn’t real. It was just a way of getting close enough to confess.

I think I’m leaning towards trying to let the feeling fade away. My life is better because she is a part of it. I’d never want to lose our friendship.

I’m so thankful for all of the replies.

Thank you so much for your responses. It feels so much better to let this out and have someone hear me. Maybe this is all I needed.

I know I shouldn’t change myself for someone else, but for her I’d do anything. Even if that anything means remaining her closest friend and that’s it.

Thanks for your reply. I wouldn’t dream of taking advantage of her in her current state. It was only yesterday that I went from actively listening to giving her my advice of what to do with her divorce. I don’t want her to feel like I was pushing for this so that I could come in and try to pick her up. That just feels gross to me.

I know I shouldn’t change myself to be with someone, but for her I’d do anything. She just means that much to me.