For starters, I’m a 20-year-old man. My family is very Christian, so I am traditional and I have never met a gay family member. If it was, and I’m sure it was, it was never talked about.
Well, when I was 15, I met Greg, the same guy who made me realize I was bisexual when he introduced me to be my boyfriend.
Because of my internalized homophobia, this relationship is over. I have had and still have many mental problems that make me feel bad. I was mean to others, I pushed them away. I would get attached to them and then I would find out that they are bad.
Greg was one of my attachments. Now that I’m 20, I’m attached to him again, but I’ve been very rude to him, so I’m sure he doesn’t like me, even though he used to have feelings for me. I told him I hated him, I pushed him, shouted at him. Am I a bad person? :(
This almost sounds like BPD-type behavior. There’s nothing about mental illness that makes you a bad human being, but you should still seek treatment.
This. To quote my favorite podcaster: mental illness isn’t your fault, but it IS your responsibility. Recognizing that you did wrong is an important first step, but you should definitely seek professional help and treatment if able.
As someone with BPD, I immediately had the same thought. OP: if possible, seek professional help.